Feeling Weird Lately

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My husband and daughter are both in Manila right now for their vacation but my daughter will be staying there for a month more. I know this yearly routine of sending her off to Manila for her to bond with our families should be well-accepted by yours truly by now. But I don't know why I can't seem to get passed the stage of letting my daughter go. Every year, I just have to cry my heart out because I miss her so much. Every single year, I go through this state like a wreck! My sister even chided me, "Don't you get used to it?" My response is always the same - "NO, I don't." This is what it feels like to be a mother I suppose. I feel that part of myself has gotten transferred to my little princess when I gave birth to her. I just want to hold on to her not realizing that she is growing up so fast for me to take it all in. A classic example is a long distance call I made this morning. I asked her if she wants to come back here in Dubai now. She replied, "Maybe YES, maybe NO." I said, "What?!? Last time I checked, you did not want to go there so what gives?" To which she replied with "Mama, let me enjoy myself here first." And that was it. I did not utter any more word because I felt a tightness in my chest. To hear her say those words kind of zapped me back to reality. I guess I am holding on too much. One day, she will be all grown up ready to take the world on her own without me to hold her little hands and guide her. I don't know if I am exaggerating or just having my hormonal imbalance thing but I feel hurt when she said those to me. Doesn't she miss me? Does she just prefer to be with my in-laws and not me? Are they smothering her with materials things I cannot provide for? Are they buying her affection? I know these are weird questions running in my head. I am a bit jealous, I admit that. Feeling that makes me more human. Right now, as I write this blog, my head is in a blur. I feel pain, a little resentment to some people who have no iota of an idea as to what is happening, a bit angry, insecure and a tad green with jealousy. These are all negative emotions boiling inside me. I guess I was just caught off guard when my daughter told me that. I thought I am always her super-mom, her idol, her role model, her number one. Then again, maybe not. Bear with me folks as I figure out what's going on in this thick skull and fragile heart of mine. I feel like a tempest in a teapot about to burst any minute now. Is motherhood really this "painful?"

My husband and daughter are both in Manila right now for their vacation but my daughter will be staying there for a month more. I know this yearly routine of sending her off to Manila for her to bond with our families should be well-accepted by yours truly by now. But I don't know why I can't seem to get passed the stage of letting my daughter go. Every year, I just have to cry my heart out because I miss her so much. Every single year, I go through this state like a wreck! My sister even chided me, "Don't you get used to it?" My response is always the same - "NO, I don't."

This is what it feels like to be a mother I suppose. I feel that part of myself has gotten transferred to my little princess when I gave birth to her. I just want to hold on to her not realizing that she is growing up so fast for me to take it all in. A classic example is a long distance call I made this morning. I asked her if she wants to come back here in Dubai now. She replied, "Maybe YES, maybe NO." I said, "What?!? Last time I checked, you did not want to go there so what gives?" To which she replied with "Mama, let me enjoy myself here first." And that was it. I did not utter any more word because I felt a tightness in my chest. To hear her say those words kind of zapped me back to reality. I guess I am holding on too much. One day, she will be all grown up ready to take the world on her own without me to hold her little hands and guide her.

I don't know if I am exaggerating or just having my hormonal imbalance thing but I feel hurt when she said those to me. Doesn't she miss me? Does she just prefer to be with my in-laws and not me? Are they smothering her with materials things I cannot provide for? Are they buying her affection? I know these are weird questions running in my head. I am a bit jealous, I admit that. Feeling that makes me more human.

Right now, as I write this blog, my head is in a blur. I feel pain, a little resentment to some people who have no iota of an idea as to what is happening, a bit angry, insecure and a tad green with jealousy. These are all negative emotions boiling inside me. I guess I was just caught off guard when my daughter told me that. I thought I am always her super-mom, her idol, her role model, her number one. Then again, maybe not.

Bear with me folks as I figure out what's going on in this thick skull and fragile heart of mine. I feel like a tempest in a teapot about to burst any minute now. Is motherhood really this "painful?"